Things People Say that Sound Nice but Aren’t
Sometimes, we try to support others by focusing on making them feel better, but in reality, we're invalidating them. This is a classic case of good intentions don't automatically mean positive results.
In order to truly empathize with someone, you need to feel what they're feeling.
These phrases are really hard to train ourselves out of. Most of us have been conditioned to jump to positivity, especially when we encounter someone who is really down in the dumps. Unfortunately, a lot of this comes from our own inability to just let others feel uncomfortable around us.
I'm wondering what our conversations would look like if we switched it up. Instead of invalidating how people feel, what if we sat with them and asked them curious questions to get to the root of the problem? I think that would transform our relationships and make us truly more empathetic, rather than people who just want to say the right thing at the right time to make the uncomfortable feeling disappear.
Sidenote: many of us have ALSO been conditioned to say self-deprecating things as bait so that other people will tell us it's not true and give us compliments. If we want to get to truly trustworthy and empathic relationships, we have to learn to cut that out too. This can sound something like, “I’m just a jerk for making you feel this way. I’m so sorry, I messed up so bad.”
True empathy comes from allowing yourself to truly feel what someone feels, not sweeping their feelings under the rug.
Many of us are conditioned to say things that we think are supportive but are actually invalidating. If someone says, “those people hate me,” the empathetic response is not “no they don’t!” or “You’re crazy for thinking that!”
Empathy requires you to ask yourself “what is true for this person right now?” And to do your best to stay curious and open to their experiences.
Instead of saying “no they don’t!”
try, “you think those people hate you? That sucks. What is it like to think that?”
Their reality is that they feel hated. If you’re wanting to empathetically support someone, it’s a lot more helpful to ask questions and stay curious, allowing the other person to verbally process the root of their feelings.
This can be hard in a partner relationship when the negative feelings are directed at you. It’s especially hard when it seems like your partner’s negative feelings are caused by you in the first place.
Do you have questions?
Do you have ways you lean into empathy that work well?
If you have curious questions or ways you lean into empathy that work well, please share them in the comments so we can all learn from each other.
If you ever have questions about the Enneagram, mental health, therapy, etc., please email me at hello@michaelshahan.com or DM on Instagram @michaelshahan_therapy. You can also book a therapy appointment or an Enneagram coaching session on my website.