December 26, 2025

The Three Core Needs: How They Shape Our Relationships

6-minute read

Series: Grounded Enneagram, S01E13

TL;DR

All humans share three core needs: agency, bonding, and certainty. While everyone has all three, Enneagram types tend to prioritize one more strongly. In relationships, this imbalance can create misunderstanding, conflict, or disconnection—especially when each person assumes their primary need should matter most to everyone else. Awareness transforms friction into clarity, compassion, and collaboration.

A quick recap of the three core needs

Over the past week, we explored three fundamental human needs:

Agency — autonomy, control, self-direction
Bonding — emotional connection, attunement, relationship
Certainty — clarity, predictability, understanding

Every human being has all three. We’re always acting on them in some way.

What differs is which need feels most urgent, most obvious, or most necessary—especially under stress.

How the Enneagram groups these needs

The Enneagram organizes these needs into three centers:

Body types (8, 9, 1) → stronger pull toward agency
Heart types (2, 3, 4) → stronger pull toward bonding
Head types (5, 6, 7) → stronger pull toward certainty

When we live primarily inside one center, it doesn’t just feel important to us—it can start to feel like the most important thing, period.

This is where relationships get complicated.

When needs turn into moral frameworks

Without awareness, we tend to universalize our own needs.

It can sound like:

“People should be independent.” (agency)
“Connection is what really matters.” (bonding)
“We need facts, truth, and clarity.” (certainty)

Each of these feels reasonable—because it is reasonable from inside that center.

But when two people prioritize different needs, they may feel fundamentally misunderstood.

How this shows up in relationships

Heart types + Head types

Heart types often want emotional closeness, shared feeling, and presence.

Head types may prioritize understanding, logic, or planning instead.

This can turn into:

“You’re too needy / clingy.”
“You’re emotionally unavailable.”

Underneath the conflict is a mismatch of needs, not a lack of care.

Body types + others

Body types often bring practicality, decisiveness, and groundedness—but can feel rigid or inflexible to others.

They may experience:

frustration with indecision
impatience with emotional processing
discomfort with uncertainty

Others may experience them as stubborn, controlling, or “my way or the highway.”

Head types in relationships

Head types can sometimes come across as distant, scattered, or overly analytical—especially when anxiety rises.

At the same time, they often bring:

wisdom
humor
foresight
a strong focus on safety

Depending on balance, this can feel stabilizing—or disconnecting.

What each center brings at its best

When balanced, each center offers something deeply valuable to relationships:

Body center → groundedness, action, practicality
Heart center → warmth, attunement, emotional presence
Head center → insight, safety, perspective

Healthy relationships don’t eliminate differences—they integrate them.

Why this matters in therapy, families, and teams

This framework is especially helpful in:

couples therapy
family systems
workplaces and leadership teams

When people recognize why something feels so important to them—and why it doesn’t land the same way for others—conflict softens.

Understanding replaces accusation.

Key takeaways

Everyone has needs for agency, bonding, and certainty
Enneagram types tend to over-prioritize one
Conflict often comes from unmet or misunderstood needs
Awareness turns friction into collaboration
Difference doesn’t mean dysfunction

Want to go deeper?

Explore guided courses, workshops, and resources with me.

About Michael

Michael Shahan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, Enneagram coach, and teacher. He integrates Enneagram wisdom with evidence-based therapy to help people build honest, spacious relationships with themselves and others.

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