December 31, 2025

Dyadic Attendancy: How Enneagram 3, 6, and 9 Hold Self and Other at the Same Time

5–6 minute read

Series: Grounded Enneagram, S01E19

TL;DR

Dyadic attendancy describes a habitual ability to move attention internally and externally at the same time. Drawing from the work of Dan Siegel, this direction of attention shows up most strongly in Enneagram Types 3, 6, and 9. These types constantly adapt by tracking both their inner state and the external environment, creating flexibility—but also instability—when balance is lost.

A quick recap: what dyadic attendancy is

Attendancy describes the direction our attention most often faces:

internal
external
or dyadic (both at once)

Dyadic attendancy means attention is constantly moving between self and other:

What’s happening in me?
What’s happening around me?
How do these affect each other?

Everyone needs dyadic focus at times—especially in relationships. For some Enneagram types, however, this back-and-forth becomes the default.

What dyadic attendancy looks like in practice

Dyadic attendancy involves:

monitoring internal experience
tracking external cues
adjusting behavior in real time
maintaining equilibrium between self and environment

This can create high adaptability and relational awareness. When overused, it can also lead to anxiety, over-monitoring, or loss of internal grounding.

Enneagram 3: adapting between goals and validation

Enneagram Threes move fluidly between:

internal goals and standards
external feedback, validation, and recognition

Their attention often asks:

Am I succeeding?
Do others see me as successful?

Threes read cultural expectations externally, then internalize them—sometimes so fully that the line between authentic desire and external approval blurs. Their dyadic attendancy supports achievement and adaptability, but can make it hard to rest in a stable inner sense of self.

Enneagram 6: oscillating between inner and outer trust

Sixes express dyadic attendancy through shifting trust.

Their attention moves between:

internal doubt and reassurance
external doubt and reassurance

Common inner dynamics include:

trusting themselves, then questioning it
trusting others, then questioning them
scanning for risk while seeking certainty

For Sixes, dyadic attendancy revolves around safety, trust, and security. The constant movement between inner and outer reference points can create vigilance—and exhaustion.

Enneagram 9: monitoring inner and outer harmony

Nines use dyadic attendancy to maintain peace and equilibrium.

Their attention often tracks:

internal comfort, calm, and harmony
external harmony in relationships and environments

If things feel off internally or externally, discomfort rises. Nines may adjust themselves—or the situation—to restore balance. This attentional style supports mediation and steadiness, but can lead to self-neglect or conflict avoidance.

What these types share—and how they differ

All three types:

track both inner state and outer environment
adapt attention moment to moment
value balance, reassurance, or alignment

What differs is what they’re balancing:

3s → success and recognition
6s → trust and certainty
9s → peace and harmony

Same attentional style. Different priorities.

Why dyadic attendancy matters

Understanding dyadic attendancy helps explain:

why some people feel constantly “on”
why self-definition can feel unstable
why relational feedback carries so much weight

Growth doesn’t mean abandoning dyadic focus. It means learning when to rest internally or act externally without constant monitoring.

Key takeaways

Dyadic attendancy is attention moving between self and other
Types 3, 6, and 9 rely on it most strongly
It supports adaptability and relational awareness
Overuse can lead to anxiety or loss of grounding
Growth comes from stabilizing attention when needed

Want to go deeper?

Explore guided courses, workshops, and resources with me.

About Michael

Michael Shahan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, Enneagram coach, and teacher. He integrates Enneagram wisdom with evidence-based therapy to help people build honest, spacious relationships with themselves and others.

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